The Many Adventures of Aro
by pkoemiliag
Summary: Ah. This is my masterpiece. It took me forever to write this. The many adventures of Aro through everyone elses eyes. Rated M for some crude humor and nudity but overall, very funny. It's not as bad as it looks though. 16 and Mature human beings


_WOO! ROCK ON! I DON'T OWN ANYONE! FUN FUN!

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_**THE CALENDAR!**_

_"Dear Carlisle and Family"._

That was how the worst letter of my eternal life started.

_"Love,_

_Aro", -_

-was how it ended. I know I may seen like I am a drama king at times but it has been too much for even me to take. Carlisle says: "Do not worry, Edward, he is just eccentric, always been like that", but, some things are even too much for him. Just because he happens to have tabs on all of us doesn't mean that he can pop up unannounced at our front door with his lackeys, or, at least in the form of a large manila package sticking out of our mailbox.

I mean, we knew it was from the vulturi the moment we looked at. With its dark letters and calligraphy as ancient as they were, but no one dared think what could have been in it.

I remember holding it in my hands and looking at it, spinning it around in my grip. It was clean of stamps and ink, saying it had been dropped off by hand. And on the front there was: To the Cullen's, in that wickedly curved handwriting we all knew belonged to Marcus yet, I know he would have stopped it from getting here if he knew what was in it.

-Sighing, I stopped examining the blasted thing and walked back in, closing the white door behind me with a satisfying click. "Carlisle! Mail!" I bellowed, greeted only by the houses soft silence. Living in a house full of others like me could be rather unnerving for anyone, even foreign vampires, yet I knew at once that everyone had left me while I was outside with this envelope.

Lifting one brow, I walked upstairs and into my room. I sat with this envelope for about an hour, and then, with able fingers, I opened the tabbed lid and lifted out a letter. I smelled humans and ancient rocks when I lifted it out and looked at the falling snow outside.

It was New Years Eve and the whole house was empty, which was strange. Usually Alice was buzzing around with Bella. Or maybe Rosaline and Emmett would be upstairs romping about in nothing but frilly skirts and my brother's new pair of sleep pants. Bella had picked them out. Teddy bears. I laughed at the thought and looked back down at the letter and let my eyes scan the writing.

Dear Carlisle and Family".

Hello Carlisle!

I hope this letter got to you in one piece, honestly, I don't think Felix much cared for me sending you seasons greetings but I made him drop it off at your house.

I'll have to talk to him later. Ha-ha.

I hope it is still New Years Eve for you. Bah, whatever. Anyway, I thought you might like what I put in this envelope. It's my present to you and your family.

I was thinking something nicer, but I had my hand forced against it. You don't much care for kidnapped humans on your step wrapped up in green garland much, do you?

Well, I suppose that's probably what I would have got you but Marcus demanded I not do something like that. Well, poo on him. He's a party crasher anyway.

He doesn't know what fun is. But you do get this and I do hope Bella enjoyed that scarf I bought her. It would look lovely with that pale skin of hers.

Will you be sending a Wedding invitation here? I do hope so. I love weddings. They always would make me cry but I can't remember crying so I will feel, well, sentimental. But do, dear, send me an invitation. I'll drag Marcy and Cai, too. Jane would love to be your flower girl. Well, I would love to see her as a flower girl. I don't know what she really thinks but she does whatever she thinks I would like so I don't think it matters much.

Well, do tell me if you need anything. I love helping my favorite son! Do tell Edward and Bella and Alice that my offer still stands!

Love,

Aro",-

-Huh? What? Blinking, I watched the letter like we were having a staring competition.

I even glared at it. What? And that was when my eyes caught the corner of something sticking out of the envelope. It was thicker than the letter, maybe twelve pages or so and the corner was bent a little from the wear of someone flipping through it repeatedly.

Carefully, I picked it up out of the envelope and examined the cover. It said: Calendar! –Love Aro in his script like handwriting. not as neat as mine yet it held its own eerie feel—even for such a vampire as Aro. I glared at it. This was the first Calendar I had even really noticed.

When you're a vampire and live forever, they become monotonous. But what did I know? I mean, I wasn't near as old as Aro or Carlisle.

Carefully, I lifted the cover like it would bite me and peered inside. You learn not to trust anything that the Volturi send. I'm just saying, the last time we got a letter it had vampire venom laced on the sticking area so if Bella were to get a paper cut...

I growled at the thought, deep in my throat and threw the cover open completely only to, in a flash, close it again.

-Had I just seen what I had thought I seen?

I blinked in horror at the thought and swallowed before prying the cover off with gentle fingers.

January was supposed to be a wonderful month with snow and clouds and overall nice weather for a vampire yet I don't think I could ever think of January the same again. Especially after seeing what I saw.

There was a picture. It had Aro, clad in nothing but a New Years Eve hat and a glass of champagne in one hand. You could see his almost translucent skin against his muscles and spine while his head was turned to look at you and smile. There must have been some censorship for it only showed his bare back and everything else though he was seated just right so nothing horribly obscene could be shown though it looked like something you would see in a play girl magazine or a gay man's hustler.

In the background there was a fireplace ablaze, his one white hand over a piece of wood. What the represented, I would never ask or imagine. In his script writing, in the corner, it read, hope you have a wonderful holiday – love Aro.

I twitched. For the first time in years, I actually had a tick.

What was he thinking sending something like this to our house?

But, what did the other pages hold?

I thought to myself. Look at the others or slide it back into the envelope and burn it? Well, curiosity got the best of me in the end. So I carefully picked up the page with Aro as the New Years Eve baby and looked at Februarys.

I shuddered. In this picture there was Aro, standing on a pink cloud, completely nude, with a pair of wings on his back. He was holding a heart in front of his…errmmmm…yeah and was doing a faux surprise. His mouth in a perfect O while he did the Marilyn Monroe stance, his hands placed in just the right area.

His hair had sparkles and glitter and hearts and…well…I couldn't help but compliment the poor guy who took the photo. He had an eye. But what probably unnerved me the most was the note in the corner of the picture.

XOXOXO –love Aro.

I stared at the image. It was basically pornography in the form of a calendar with each days number placed next to red and pink Hershey kisses. I could have sworn Aro's red eyes were staring right through me but the clear pleasure he held in this picture assured me he had had a very good time.

March.

I dreaded March.

I had never much cared for the month period yet I knew it would hold something special for the Aro Calendar, or, at least that's what our family calls it now. It is now a story to be told for fun yet March still haunts me when I think of that month.

Peeling off the Cupid Aro, if I had been human, I would have puked.

There he was again, green paint all over his pale, onion skin body, with a leprechaun hat and a pot of gold under one arm. He was bare as I had become accustomed to, but unlike the ones before, he had nothing covering that part of his body. He stood like a vampire jolly green giant with his hands on his hips and his smile wide and bright.

In the background there were green hills and grass and a bright blue sky. You could barely pick up the sparkles under the pasty paint yet his muscle definition was admirable. His pare feet digging into the turf. I wondered where this picture had been taken.

Somewhere very green with a little bit of sun? Possibly Ireland or Scotland? I wouldn't have doubted it at all. In the corner of this image there was the phrase:

You got me lucky charms – loving Aro.

I almost growled at the idea but I looked back up at him. He usually looked so strange in that black cloak yet…he looked very similar to any other vampire I had seen.

Forcing a coughing noise, I shuffled uncomfortably and flipped March back with an anxious hand.

April. I swallowed in defiance at the idea of it but, there it was, looking back at me clad in a yellow rain coat and boots, a red umbrella over one shoulder with one foot kicked out behind him.

The rain drizzled and glowed on his coat and his body was bear under the yellow smock except for the wind that blew the tails over his waste to hide everything.

I wasn't exactly sure where this one was taken but it looked something like a New York avenue. He wouldn't have traveled to the US would he?

I stifled a gasp at what was written.

Oh, baby it's raining! - Aro

I shuddered at his imitation of that one Star's song and looked down at the days of the month next to little red umbrellas. This was horrible compared to the one Christmas card we had received last year. At least he was clad with clothes and was leaping next to a grimacing Marcus and Caius, Santa Clause hats over their heads as Aro rushed to beat the timed camera. What thing in the world told him it was okay to send things like this to different individuals, most of all us? Why send it to Carlisle? I actually felt repulsed looking at it.

May was sort of…cute… I suppose.

It was just him in a field of flowers, with daffodils in his long black hair as he laid in them looking up at the camera. His skin radiated with the soft sunlight, not enough to really set him off but enough to make any models heart stop in place. I put my hand over my eyes in humiliation and shame.

So much for the most prestigious of Vampires, huh?

Looking through my fingers at it, I realized censorship had taken place. He was covered everywhere except from his waist up. Taking a deep breath, relief flooded me as I examined every little bit of the picture from the opened fingers, probing at a small, plump flower to the clover that haloed his head in a white crown.

This must have been taken a long while ago as not many of these flowers survived the winter.

In his other hand there was a lily, pale and white and appeared just cut for it's radiant pink inside could see be seen, pink and flushed as soft flesh. My eyes traveled down to the corner but there was no words, only a heart and a –Aro at the end.

It was good to know that was all I had to worry about. Running my fingers through my hair, I couldn't help but admire the handiwork on the calendar squares.

Small white lilies with the flushed pink flesh.

Must make a note to self to look up breeds of lilies.

June. Hm. What was June to me? Not much usually. It was sunny in most states, rainy in some, but none of that really affected me in Forks. Sighing, I slipped my fingers under May's previous page.

Woo. A beach scene got to give him credit for that.

There he sat; building a sand castle with the wind blowing his hair in every direction, a sun beating down on his back yet his skin was sheltered by a large, red and white umbrella. He was actually dressed.

But the dressing he used was obviously old. Black and white striped, fully body bathing suit. I laughed to myself in silent reverie but not for long see as it has a wide, low beck that dipped down below his naval. I twitched again.

He hadn't built that castle. It was much too grand, besides, in such a skimpy suit what normal guy would be able to build anything, even out of sand. Obviously this was in Italy unless he somehow got himself to Florida or other sunny, sandy beaches. Oh lord, what a problem us vampires had.

Thankfully, there was just a smiley face with the usual Aro Signature. And the numbers on the calendar all have clam shells next to them.

July was scary if I remember correctly.

Cowboy boots, sparklers and fireworks.

Obviously I need say no more on that matter. You can let your own mind try to comprehend that amongst the red and green colored sparks that surrounded each number. Or, you could think about the: You light up my sky – love Aro on the pictures corner. Either way, I know your mind will wander.

Dear, dear, August. Hooray for playgrounds, little children and snow cones. There was Aro with Jane in his lap. He was dressed in a small boys outfit and her in a dress, two snow cones melting all over them. They were swinging on a swing and laughing. The Aro message was cute. He had drawn a smiley face and had left at that. I kind of felt sorry for Jane though I knew she probably thought it was cute too.

September. Hahaha! That was funny. Aro dressed in a schoolgirl uniform sitting on a desk, his legs crossed in a very feminine gesture. A sucker dangling out of his mouth. I really wondered who enjoyed this.

October was interesting. Aro was knocking on someone's door dressed as a ghost, though the sheet was much too short and exposed his back end. I couldn't see his face yet I knew it was him. Opening the door was a very unhappy looking Felix, probably forced to play the unwilling sidekick. Next to each number of the day was a jack-o-lantern and the note said: Be sweet – Love Aro. I gawked at it and fought the urge to chuck it to the end of the room.

November was really odd. He was sitting on the ground with a turkey. A pilgrim hat over his black hair and the rest of the vulturi vampires forced to stand in the background at the table. All of them looked pained. That made me laugh. I would give Aro one thing. The dude had style and knew exactly how to ruin everyone's good day. Little turkeys played hide and go seek behind the numbers and the love note was just a poorly drawn turkey. Ha!

December was Santa Baby. You can imagine that all by yourself.

Closing it, I closed my eyes and pushed in on them with my hands. And then, out of nowhere, Carlisle burst through the door. "Hey Edward, did you get any--" He started, but then saw the calendar. "Edward, that's a crime! Give me that", And quick as a flash, he snatched the strange calendar out of my grip and darted away. I just stared.

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Haha. Hope you enjoy. more coming soon


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